Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
🤭😂
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.