Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager