Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
time for some seasonal decor
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.