Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
your honor my client chooses dare
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july