Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle