Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
spicy snake
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.