Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Note to self: always read the final line
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit