I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
And that about sums it up.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.