*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Trumpy Cat
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
3% human
97% stress
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
One of the best
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?