*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”