@kumailn: Shocking that people who've been physically assaulting each other for 3 hours would lose their tempers.
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@onion_an: Me: What music you into? Date: I love hip hop Me: Yeah me too [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
@3sunzzz: Me: Did you finish the banana bread? 16: yep Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread. 16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
@murrman5: [park bench with girlfriend] so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart? "yes brent" *starts raining* great and now sky water
@TheCatWhisprer: MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying