[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Bless you
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.