I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
translated into Canadian
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
😬
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.