Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Buck naked
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
who wants to go expliring
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!