Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
that de-escalated quickly
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.