Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”