Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.