Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
i dont have time for this
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.