[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?