*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.