*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that