Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
kids play hide and seek like
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.