[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
kitchen magnet
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Love it! 👍😂
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation