@_sleepysmile: Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
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@Xalqee: My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.