My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
tinder is all about the long game
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Are we there yet?…
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.