[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”