[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
fr
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”