[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*