[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*weighs self after shaving
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!