[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Haha! 😂
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.