[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Noah was an idiot.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off