[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.