[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*