@PonyMartini: Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.

@underchilde: I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@TheToddWilliams: Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious

@Home_Halfway: *guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP