@Pinky_0917: Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer

@LackOfShame: If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

@dlicj: flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me

@jonnysun: noah's google search history: "wat is arc" "why would god want circle segment" "arc or ark" "how many animals" "5,000,000 x 2" "is god real"

@E_lok44: I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't have any Cheerios in this house. *eats it