Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
79.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb