Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started