Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*