Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
it was a valiant fight
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.