shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit