shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”