Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years