“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.