*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.