*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me checking my bank balance online.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??