Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT