“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.