[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I falcon love using swear birds
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
So that’s what we looked like?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
every single time
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on