Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month