Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.