@KentWGraham: Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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@Kyle_Lippert: Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.
@HockeyTornado: Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
@jeremysmiles: So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder