@theyearofelan: Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?
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@darinlovesbacon: My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."
@hilariouswifey: I don't always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
@Contwixt: Me- "Sorry I can't" Friend- "Why not?" M- "Working on my book" F- "Neato! What about?" M- "It's a collection of ways to escape obligations"