“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’M CRYINGGG
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My dog ate my work from home.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.