I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
me working on my assignments ^-^
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Phones down.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
i’m still crying at this
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Mood.. 😂
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*