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@thejamietighe: Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
@KalvinMacleod: DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DAD: *nods his approval*
@MarkAgee: Candy corn is the rare candy that's worse than than the vegetable it's based on.
@karenphotog: Like my grandma always says... put more booze in the mashed potatoes
@TheTweetOfGod: "Al-Qaeda: 'ISIS Goes Too Far'." Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.