Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……